What an intriguing and incredulous past few months it has been!
I have so many tales and so many stories to tell! And my perspective on life has widened so much, I began to see everyday things so differently. And yet, here I am typing at 2am, slightly drunk with things in my head which I will write down sooner or later.
Going on exchange to Russia is the best decision I have ever made; the experience, the friends and most importantly, the perspective on life. It changed me and I do notice it. The experience allowed me to take a backseat and understand things from a different angle. I notice things in society and it made me intrigued and skeptical!
The ideology on life I had learnt is something I may not have even contemplated and yet, when I was immersed in it, I felt something I have never felt before. Calm, happy, chill, cool, content and grateful. It is a feeling I am trying to recreate again when I am back in Singapore because I realise that when I am in that 'feeling', I feel great and invigorated. I feel refreshed and confident. I could think clearly and easily touch on knowledge I have accumulated from my many years of being an avid non-fiction bookworm. I embraced life and I love every single moment of existing. I had become an epicurean.
And yet, time and time again, with the 'reality' of life settling in, I realised how stressful 'reality' is. The place, the environment. Everything reeks of stress and hierarchies and focus on goals and objectives. There is no 'niceties' or 'warmness'. I feel fear everywhere, anxiety everywhere and jealousy everywhere. And I could feel it creeping into myself with every passing moment. But it contradicts so much from what I have learnt from my time abroad, alone in a so distant land. I learnt that I could trust total strangers, connect with people, share stories and be whatever I want. I learnt to look at my needs and ask myself what I wanted and love. I learnt to pursue what I love, regardless of what others think of it. I learnt what I actually love. I learnt my own traits and idiosyncrasies. I learnt to embrace them. I learnt to love myself. I learnt how to live.
And here, I feel that people are trying to prevent me from doing any of these things. They have an expectation of what I must be and work hard to maintain their own expectation of things. They cannot envision a society out of their own society. They cannot envision difference. Differences becomes something alien. My needs and wants and even say instantly became null because it is different. The society is so judgemental, I felt repulsed. And it made me ponder and even more curious about everything! What is the life or ideology of life I should take? And most importantly, because I already know what I want, how can I achieve that?
That is probably the reason why I am writing this at such an ungodly hour because this thought IS bothering me so much. (Other than the heat and humidity at night and constant pressure of promises to fulfil).
Time will tell, and for now, I will try my utmost best to fulfil all these 'promises' and commitments. Once done, perhaps I have time on my own to again question my wants and desires. And work on them. I will work on my intrinsic motivations for life :).
